Bottle Up and Explode
by Alarm Clock
Summary: If this is going to be a crash, it’s going to be head-on. Kendall/James slash.


Notes and Such: Well, I didn't want to like them. I tried to resist. But these boys are just so freaking adorable that it hurts. And now I make my boyfriend watch this show with me, and sit around while I write fic for them. :P

I would like to take the time to dedicate this humble work to both **ShatteredDiamonds **and **The Infamous Katie** because reading their stories inspired me to write my own. You guys kind of rock. (:

I hereby disclaim all rights to Big Time Rush. Also, the title is taken from an Elliott Smith song of the same name.

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_Bottle Up and Explode_

_It's happening again_, Kendall thinks as he innocently watches James lounge around poolside in a chair. What exactly _it_ is, Kendall has yet to perfectly pinpoint. It's just this feeling that he gets. This overwhelming feeling that James is quite possibly the most attractive human being on the planet and Kendall would like to maybe possibly be the only one allowed to kiss those perfect lips from here until the end of time. And yes, okay, perhaps if he's being honest with himself, Kendall knows exactly what _it_ is.

It's not like he doesn't try to erase these feelings. It's not like he wants things this way. It's just that James has always been there. In his house, in his school, in his mind. He's inescapable. He's practically the air that Kendall breathes and he needs him just as much. James has just been around forever so it's only natural to feel this way, Kendall likes to tell himself.

"Yo, dude!" James is now sitting up and motioning for Kendall to come closer. Presumably to talk about the attractive young women sitting across pool from James, making eyes at him. Kendall goes, even knowing that the last thing he wants is to have a conversation about which one of the girls James should try to get with.

Kendall has dated girls before. He always breaks up with them soon afterward though because he feels like he is using them. And if there is one thing that he's learned from being the "man in the house" to his mother and sister, it's an appreciation and respect for the other gender. He knows that not giving someone his all in a relationship is just going to hurt her more in the end. Unfortunately, the breakups hurt so much in the here-and-now so these girls just think he's being selfish. But it's all for the greater good of their feelings. He can never give them all of his heart. Not when all of his heart belongs to James. Or so it feels.

Soon after the conversation about the aforementioned girls, Kendall heads back up to their apartment. Carlos, Logan, and James ask where he's going and he mumbles something noncommittal about needing to rest up for the many hours of harmonies that await them the next day. He ends up just sitting on the couch by himself for a while, thinking about how these feelings have been going on for far too long. He's in the process of building himself up for doing something about them; he should tell _one_ of the boys at least, if not James himself. Or maybe even his mother. But once the door opens and James steps inside, any possible confidence that he has shrinks back down to a zero.

It's like James just fills up his whole body. Starting with his heart, James travels through his pulmonary veins, his atrioventricular valves, his ventricles. It all gets very technical. This _boy_, these feelings travel through every part of his body, his heart thumping in time with the rhythm that James is walking to. His whole body is filled with James and his laugh and his smile and there is absolutely nothing he can do about it. He feels like someone has set him on fire from the inside. His blood rushes quickly to the surface of his skin when James comes near. He flushes a light pink across his cheeks and nose. His whole body feels uncomfortably hot.

"What're you doing up here?" Kendall asks. He's trying to sound as normal as possible but he fears that it's not working.

"I came up to take a shower. I thought you were going to take a nap or something?"

Kendall stands up and tries to look sleepy. Really he's as awake as he could possibly be, his body hyper-aware of any and all movements that James is making. And he is certainly making lots of movement in Kendall's direction. He looks vaguely concerned and he's probably going to ask Kendall what's wrong and Kendall doesn't want that. He just wants to be able to avoid saying anything at all, without lying to his best friend.

_Detach, detach, withdraw_, his rational brain screams at him. Don't get hurt. Retreat to your foxhole. Watch the rest of your life pass by as James goes on, finding happiness in someone else. Lose your chance. Hide your true self. Everything's so much safer this way. But if Kendall were all about playing it safe he wouldn't have been here in the first place. Here in Hollywood with the smell of the big city on his clothes and an ever-realizing dream in his eyes. With the sights and sounds of Los Angeles flooding his every sense on a daily basis. It makes him feel so alive, so fearless. Why should this situation be any different?

And so when he moves forward to press James against the wall of their otherwise empty apartment and kisses him with all of the passion he can possibly muster, it's not a scary moment until a few seconds afterward. That's when his actions set into his mind. His sympathetic nervous system works overtime. The flight-or-fight response tells him to fly, fly, fly away. All the way back to Minnesota, even, based on the look plastered on James' tanned face. Kendall hears an embarrassed rush of blood in his ears, but it sounds more like the world (his world) _whoosh_-ing to a complete halt. The kind of calm before the storm. The almost-tangible stillness in the air before the rain comes pouring down on the very day you've forgotten to bring your umbrella. It's that kind of feeling that makes Kendall want to run away and never look back. To never see the look of utter disbelief in James' eyes and not once have to face down the possibly disgusted upward-curl of James' lips.

But he doesn't. Run, that is. He stays. He's done running. There is no more escape for this. If this is going to be a crash, it's going to be head-on. Possible death on impact but maybe, just maybe, he'll get out of it with critical injuries instead. They could be wounds he'll be nursing for a long time, quite possibly for the rest of his life. But he can make it out alive. He looks James straight in the eyes and his knees quiver. His heart stutters a couple of times and he feels a little lightheaded.

But he stays. He takes a deep breath and he stays and he announces, "I just kissed you."

So maybe it wasn't the most intelligent thing to say. Maybe it was even kind of dumb, but it was better than the silence that was slowly wrapping its way around Kendall's confidence and squeezing the life out of it. This is where the conversation starts and if Kendall is lucky, he'll be feeling this good when it ends.

James nods disbelievingly, still not saying a word.

Kendall swallows the ever-growing lump of insecurity rising in his throat, forcing it back down into his stomach where it swims around with the butterflies. "I kissed you and I liked it and I've been wanting to do that for a while. Probably longer than I should admit because I don't want you to think I'm creepy or anything."

James is still. He doesn't look disgusted though and so Kendall is taking that as a good sign. He continues to speak, hoping that he isn't digging himself a hole that he can't get out of.

"I'm sorry that it happened like that. I mean, I didn't mean for it to...what I'm trying to say is, you're kind of irresistible past a certain point. And two minutes ago was that point. I just needed to stop hiding. I couldn't help it anymore. You're kind of perfect for me and..." Kendall trails off because James' face has transformed into one of amusement. "And I'm rambling, aren't I? I should stop?" Kendall's never felt less in control of himself and it's a crazy moment.

James is nodding his head again, but this time it's different. This time he follow up by saying, "Dude I was kind of wondering when that was going to happen. You've only had a crush on me since we were, what? Twelve years old? I'm surprised you could last for _this_ long."

And just like that, Kendall's nervousness diminishes into nothing. _Head-on collision: avoided_, Kendall thinks. This is just another stage in their friendship. This is just James being arrogant yet charming and Kendall falling even further for him because of it. This is James reaching for Kendall's hand and pressing their lips together. This is what Kendall has been waiting for all along: the feeling of being completely and utterly whole. It's as if he and James are two distinct parts that are meant to fit together. They're some sort of walking, breathing, talking oxymoron; they are a singular plural. A collective entity of two that, even when physically separate, can never really be apart.

There are explosive synapses happening in Kendall's head and he feels dizzy with thought of James being his. Not just his best friend or his boyfriend or his bandmate: really, truly _his_. And Kendall's being totally honest with himself when he thinks that _it_ is love.

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More notes: End! I hope you liked it. Feedback would be very much appreciated. :)


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